I love my children—the children I helped create. They can be a handful, but I cannot imagine life without them. However, raising them in this world is stressful. Thankfully, I have a partner and we work together but even then, parenting remains stressful. It seemed like only other parents could validate this truth. Now, we have further validation from the U.S. Surgeon General.
In August, United States Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy released a Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Parents. The long and short of the advisory said what parents already knew; we’re stressed out. But even further, Murthy warned the mental stress that plagues parents from the pressures of parenting can harm their mental health and all-around well-being, negatively affecting their children. Murthy continued:
“Parents have a profound impact on the health of our children and the health of society. Yet parents and caregivers today face tremendous pressures, from familiar stressors such as worrying about their kids’ health and safety and financial concerns, to new challenges like navigating technology and social media, a youth mental health crisis, and an epidemic of loneliness that has hit young people the hardest. As a father of two kids, I feel these pressures too.”
The advisory cited a survey of parents and stress from the American Psychological Association in its own analysis. That survey revealed several truths that society has yet to grapple with. Parents are more likely than other adults to say:
- Most days their stress is completely overwhelming (48% versus 26% for adult non-parents)
- Stress makes it hard to focus (60% versus 37% for adult non-parents)
- They are so stressed they feel numb (42% versus 22% for adult non-parents)
- When they are stressed, they can’t bring themselves to do anything (50% versus 28% for adult non-parents)
- Most days they are so stressed they can’t function (41% versus 20% for adult non-parents)
What’s the reason for this? The Surgeon General’s advisory rightly points out:
“[Parents] experience[s] a range of unique stressors that come with raising children; including common demands of parenting, financial strain and economic instability, time demands, concerns about children’s health and safety, parental isolation and loneliness, difficulty managing technology and social media, and cultural pressures. In addition to the common stressors listed above, mental health conditions disproportionately affect some parents and caregivers, including those facing circumstances like family or community violence, poverty, and racism and discrimination, among others.”
The systems and institutions of our social structure are “anti-a lot of things.” By that, I mean anti-Black, anti-poor, anti-woman, and anti-family. Lawmakers and institutional leaders claim that children, parents, and families are important; they say that children, parents, and families are a political and policy priority. However, that is not true. We need to look no further than the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic.
Fear of contracting the virus and dying was real. While some could work from home, many folks could not, particularly those working low-wage hourly jobs. The folks were working-class or the indigent comprising those in rural and urban areas. A sizable portion of folks were Black people, who were dying due to COVID at disproportionate rates.
Combine the capitalist push for workers to work over families remaining safe with the systemic racism that facilitates a portion of Black (and brown) folk occupying low-wage hourly jobs and you have a recipe for disaster.
Because a capitalist society is not for families, the poor, women, or Black people. All those folks are commodified and exploited. Because supporting parents means making sure they can get to work at a minimal cost to our social structure.
If supporting parents was a priority, childcare would be free for all parents or affordable at the very least. The average weekly cost for childcare is $321; $1,284 a month—per child. The average rent is $1,565 for a studio apartment (just 469 square feet). The average monthly salary is $4865. So, let’s do some math.
A single mother who makes the average salary with two children in daycare in a two-bedroom apartment (average cost of $1,818), is left with only $479 for the month, after paying $4,386 in rent and childcare, to cover her other expenses. Yet, some Congressmen and women complained that a check for $600 during COVID ($1800 for this single month) would make people—specifically Black and poor folks—lazy… Where is that Waca Flocka meme when you need it?
The stressed-out parents send their children to schools and educators. Some exacerbate the stressful lives of parents with how they treat them and their children. For Black parents, that looks like educators who talk down to them, teachers who refuse to teach Black history regularly (or because they claim they don’t know how), their children being suspended or referred to law enforcement disproportionately, and their children rarely being exposed to a Black teacher.
Schools must take the extra step to alleviate stress by being a safe space for children. This is especially true for Black parents. A safe space for Black children—particularly in urban settings—means a physically safe space. Schools should be physically safe spaces for all children, but in an anti-Black society, even more so for Black children. But “safe spaces” are so much more than non-violent spaces.
For Black children, a safe space is an inclusive space. It means that Black teachers abound in a school. It means that Black children see themselves in their textbooks and assignments. It’s the lack of fear about being suspended or referred to the police when exhibiting culturally informed reactions when triggered. When Black children feel safe in that way, Black parents have 1 less thing to stress about and that’s a good thing.
Entering the new school year, folks who educate children should keep the Surgeon General’s advisory in mind as they go through their yearly activities. Even more so where Black children are concerned. We must stop blaming Black children and their parents when we as educators contribute to the stress that harms academic performance and can deter parental involvement because of our asinine and archaic methods and dispositions toward them. We must also aim our animosity toward systems and institutions that make parenting hard—especially for Black parents.
We many not be able to rid parents of all stress. But we can do our part to show that we care.
